Today feels really weird. Even if we ignore my brain being an asshole -- which we are, entirely -- things on my body are confusing the hell out of me.
If you were to look at the left side of my body, you might notice it’s covered in bruises. I don’t know how this happened. I woke up Sunday morning to find that entire hemisphere looking like fight club. I drank a lot on Saturday, but I didn’t black out -- I’ve pretty much got the entire night accounted for. This leads me to the only logical conclusion: I was sleep mugged, probably by a goblin. From experience I know that Seattle’s finest have almost zero interest in investigating crimes committed by anything with an entry in the Dungeon Master’s Manual, so I guess this mystery will remain unsolved.
The right side of my body is a completely different story...
I’ve been experiencing a shooting pain or numbness, I can’t decide which, going up my arm, from my wrist to my shoulder. I entertained the idea that I was just in the early stages of turning into a half-wolverine for a couple days, but after talking to good friend and former fat person the Honky, I guess I just have a pinched nerve or something. Homeboy is a massage therapist who also moonlights as a violence scientist, and he used a lot of confusing words like “Ulnar nerve impingement.” I think he might be messing with me, because that sounds a lot like something dutch fetish sites will show you for a nominal fee, but he promised me there are videos online (well, I'm sure there are) that will show me how to stretch it out. I should look into this, but I don’t wanna be "that guy" in the office.
Maybe I messed up an arm nerve, I’d buy that, but why the fuck is my right thigh spasming on a near constant basis? This thing is bumping. There’s a party in my leg and I wasn’t invited.
My Scale is still incoming, I guess. Weight by feels: 13 very depressed tires.
I think I’m gonna join a gym again. Weirdly this isn't a place I’ve set foot inside of since I started this blog, but it’s actually kind of a common thing. And I think it's time to be sweat-marking my territory a few days a week.