For the first time since I chose to take an indefinite unpaid vacation, I feel like this week I have been completely in control of my diet.

That’s not to say I’ve been an angel; I did end up drinking with buddies and eating vegan food on Wednesday. I’m pretty sure vegan food is terrible for my diet, but Highline knows how to make a goddamn "chiggen nugg." I also ended up eating a hamburger at 2am on Monday night, but that was more related to me being starving in the middle of the night, and less about any sort of misstep on my part. I made the mistake of going to a midnight launch event for a video game. "Launch event" is Gamestop’s term for it. Let’s call it what it is: A line.

I was actually looking forward to it, because it was for a Street Fighter game, which means it should have been full of fighting game nerds, and I had high hopes for making a friend. The look of disappointment on my face was severe as I walked into the mall at 10pm on Monday and the line was full of dudes waiting for a completely different game. Fucking nerds. So I went to a bar and drank. Then I spent the rest of the evening judging all of the mouthbreathers. Kids in front of me were having a passionate argument about How I Met Your Mother, and who they wanted Ted to actually end up with. I was going to butt in with a joke about how I met their mother, but then their mother actually came into the mall, and it seemed like it was in poor taste.

I’m mysteriously unable to drop below 269lbs this week. Every morning I wake up at exactly 269, and every night I fall asleep at exactly 271. I think this is because boxing was cancelled, rough steez. My goal for the weekend is to work out a daily exercise plan, and then see how long I can keep it up. I’m going to write “COMBO METER” on a piece of paper, and then stick it on my refrigerator. Every day that I actually work out, I get to put a check on that mother fucker. If I miss a day I’m going to have to live with the shame of tearing it down, and then writing it on a new piece of paper. I’m really way too lazy to even come close to being okay with writing ‘combo meter’ twice, so I better not fuck this up.

This entire update was going to be just me screaming at the developers of the aforementioned fighting game. But honestly, I can’t even convince my friends to pretend to be interested in my tirade on the subject. so let’s go with a random fat moment:
When I was 13, I was walking home from the mall one day. This dude came running out of the navy recruitment office and stopped me in the street, demanding to know how old I was. I was kinda freaked out, but the uniform was pretty sweet so I told him 15. He couldn’t believe it. The dude practically lost his shit then and there. I spent two blocks thinking to myself, "Hell yeah, I look like a grown-ass man”. Them I realized he was probably just shocked how a someone my age could be so fat. The next five blocks home were kinda brutal.